Spider-Man Beats Bad Guys, But Brand New Day Misses Beat

Greetings, True Believers! It’s been about five years, give or take, since I’ve typed out a review. Parkinson’s Disease makes it difficult. I also don’t go to the movie theater much anymore…in fact, I don’t remember what the last movie I saw in a theater was. But I decided to pay for a ticket to see Spider-Man: Brand New Day and felt like it was worth weighing in on, for better or for worse. Spoilers are absolutely forthcoming so consider yourself warned. This isn’t a review, it’s more of a dissection. If you haven’t seen the movie yet and plan to, read no further. But if you’re ready, please read this in the voice of J.K. Simmons, who has personified J. Jonah Jameson, the bastion of real news and who is not in this film. Take that as an ill omen of what is to come.

The film opens with a short montage of New York’s favorite wall-crawler, Spider-Man (Tom Holland) making short work of a handful of bad guys: Scorpion (Michael Mando), Tombstone (Marvin Jones III), Rhino–no wait! Ramrod (Billy Clements)? I’m a big old school Marvel D-list character fanatic and I honestly have never heard of this guy. Why would they waste time with a character that would have probably made Stan Lee stroke his chin and say, “Who the heck is Ramrod? Cripes, I don’t remember inventing that guy! I must be getting old.” He ran head first at Spidey who jumped over him and he crashed into the wall, and presumably knocked himself cold because he’s not seen again. This is why Sony makes terrible Spider-Man films like Madame Web and Morbius when left to their own devices. They control the rights to Rhino, a longtime nemesis of Spidey, and they use Ramrod instead. Stop outthinking yourselves, Sony…and Marvel/Disney for that matter! Sadly there was no appearance of Michael Keaton’s Vulture. Supposedly Boomerang (Aidan Kennedy) and Tarantula (Anton Miguel Rodrigez) were also in this superquick supervillain beatdown but I guess I must have blinked and missed them because I have no memory of either character. Considering that someone’s kid sitting two rows from the screen played games on their phone for the entire film, it’s a miracle I didn’t miss more. Here’s a hint: if your kid won’t sit through a 3 hour movie including the trailers, don’t go to the movies. Ultimately this little montage was done to cement in the viewer’s minds that Spider-Man is beloved by the police, NYC City Hall, and the people of New York. Got it, figured that was probably the case but thanks just the same.

Next, Spidey heads off to stop a high-tech tank headed for the Damage Control detention center. You might remember Damage Control from Spider-Man: Homecoming – they were the outfit that Vulture and Shocker worked for, cleaning up the superheroes' public destruction when they battled Loki and his Chitauri alien army and such. Why they would build a supervillain detention facility in the heart of Manhattan is probably not something I’m supposed to ponder…and yet… Sigh. Spidey doesn’t quite prevent the tank from arriving at Damage Control, in no small part thanks to the untimely intervention of The Punisher (Jon Bernthal). Finally we see the Punisher the way we all enjoyed him in the comics, doing the very thing that makes goody two-shoes like Daredevil, Spider-man, Captain America or even Batman crazy (in the comics–that cinematic crossover will never happen unless Disney buys Warner Bros/Discovery, and that would never make it past the anti-trust legal eagles…right?) He tries to kill the villains! What a novel concept! Batman never kills his foes, and the Joker alone has probably murdered hundreds if not thousands of people. What’s that old line from Spaceballs? “Evil will always triumph because good is dumb!” I can’t disagree. Bernthal is far and away the best part of this movie.

Back to the story! Spidey discovers that the driver of the tank is a woman in her 50s or 60s, wearing a t-shirt and jeans, not a cyber-augmented man-tank or whatever you might expect him to find – another missed opportunity, this would have been a perfect time to use Big Wheel–too bad! Spidey soon figures out that there’s someone or something possessing people. This entity was controlling the woman who drove the tank, but when it left her she was bewildered as to how she got there and had no memory of piloting the tank. This might seem familiar to you if you’ve ever seen the old Denzel Washington movie “Fallen” from 1998, which pitted Denzel against a body snatching demon. It’s not his best work by far but if you’ve seen it you’ll never hear the Rolling Stone’s song “Time Is On My Side” the same ever again.

Spider-Man can’t figure out who or what is jumping from body to body so he calls the Avengers. (Insert record scratch sound effect here.) Well, not THE Avengers, they’re mostly retired or deceased. So he’s stuck with the Thunderbolt Avengers, which is composed mostly of former or current superpowered agents of the former Soviet Union or the current Russia and a guy who is literally his own worst enemy in the Sentry. Spider-Man goes to meet Yelena “Black Widow” Belova (Florence Pugh) who meets him presumably naked in a Russian bath house that serves as her “office.” Sure, it's kinda funny to see Spidey’s discomfort with getting in the bath with Yelena clad only in his boxer briefs and his mask, but it wasn’t necessary. She offered Spidey a clue: V-Max. Oooh, jinkies! It’s a mystery! Spider-Man swings away to chat with Bill Metzger (Tramell Tillman), the head of Damage Control. Metzger and Spidey feel each other out through dialogue, underlining one of the biggest issues I have with this movie. Too much “tell,” not enough “show!” The pace of the film suffers from long stretches of expository scenes and not nearly enough action. Maybe if they used the Sinister Six as the primary villains of the film and bombard Spider-Man constantly from every side, we’d feel the excitement and the desperation we should have been feeling. Afterall, this is exactly what Peter Parker – alleged boy genius – wanted. Nobody knows who he is. Nobody is around to help him…except for the Comrade Avengers, I guess.

Spidey swings away to talk to his old friends, Ned Leeds (Jacob Batalon) and MJ Watson (Zendaya aka Mrs. Tom Holland). Please note that  Doctor Strange’s “You Must…Forget About Me” Spell is still in effect. It’s another expository scene that offers very little in terms of character development or moving the plot forward. Parker hangs out at a house party hosted by Ned and MJ, and they have some awkward conversation, but that’s it. I think this whole scene could have been left on the cutting room floor. Since Strange cast his spell, Parker has been burning the candle at both ends without much of a support network and its beginning to take both a physical and mental toll on him. I’m guessing this revelation is where Spider-Man’s powers start to go haywire. He suffers a Daredevil origin moment where his Spider-Sense starts picking up every screeching tire, every alarm, every siren, every voice in New York City. But he doesn’t go to talk to Matt Murdock about it, because heaven forbid  Marvel integrate their television and movie productions to the degree that they really should. Instead, Parker stops by Empire State University (I presume?) to pow-wow with Marvel’s powerhouse and everyone’s favorite gamma radiation scientist Bruce Banner aka the Hulk (Mark Ruffalo, who is great in every single thing I’ve seen him in). He’s looking for a way to tamp down his out of control superpowers and possibly stop the body snatcher too…by the way, did I mention that Spider-Man is ever so conveniently immune to the body snatching? For absolutely no reason, he just is. So yeah, there’s that. Banner has been suppressing the Hulk since that diner scene in Avengers: Endgame and he advises Parker that his idea for making his own device is sound. Super-science montage, go! (Yawn!).

Do plans ever work? Nope! Parker finally discovers that the body snatcher is a red haired mutant telepath by the name of Jena Grey. Like a furry blue supersmart companion of hers would say in the comics, “Oh my stars and garters!” The mutants are here at last! What the Hell took you so long, Kevin Feige?!? Oh, right, you were too busy working on the big payoff from The Eternals and the whole Kang snafu, while simultaneously cancelling the second seasons of your best Disney+ shows: “Hawkeye,” which never materialized after Disney lowballed Jeremey Renner after his near-fatal accident, “Wonder Man,” which was brilliantly done and you could have gotten a lot of mileage from the remarkable chemistry between Yahya Abdul-Mateen and the incomparable Ben Kingsley, who went from being one of the most despised subplot characters in the MCU to a very enjoyable co-star in Wonder Man after a strong performance in Shang Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, and She-Hulk, which might be the most comic accurate production in the entire MCU but the morons who call themselves “fans” murdered that show from the start with a campaign of vitriol not seen since Josh Trank’s insanely terrible Fantastic Four in 2015. True fans of Marvel and She-Hulk would recognize how well the show paid homage to the comics it sprang from, but unfortunately any voices of reason were drowned out by the roar of the hateful fanatics who think they’re doing the world some great service by burying a program before even half of it has aired. Screw you bastards, and screw Disney for listening to a bunch of fanboys at a test screening over their director and actors. Only one of those groups knows anything about the art and craft of movie making and it’s not the ones you seem to listen to the most, nor the ones you’re paying millions of dollars to make these movies. But I digress…

Jean Grey has made her way to the Damage Control offices and confronts Metzger about the death of her sister, who was taken in an earlier flashback in a style very reminiscent of the ICE crackdowns we see in the news right now. She locks him and a kilometer or two of the surrounding area down with her powers and threatens to execute everyone. (“Ladies and Gentlemen, the role of Magento will be played in this part of the Marvel Multiverse by Jean Grey, who isn't even the Phoenix yet. Please make a note of this in your Playbills. Thank you.”) She also figures out the clue that Black Widow gave to Spider-Man. V-Max is a part of a longer brand name…for the Damage Control air conditioning system. By the unholy proportions of a Rob Liefeld comic panel, who wrote this script and how the hell did Feige sign off on it? Apparently Chris McKenna and Erik Sommers wrote the bulk of it, with contributions by Justin Kuritzkes and director Destin Daniel Cretton. V-Max is an air conditioner and Spider-Man never even solves it. It’s so…awful! It’s like finding out the butler did it but you never had a butler. Meanwhile, Spider-Man and MJ are chillaxing at the Punisher’s safehouse, where Frank Castle (Punisher's real name if you didn’t know) gives Parker a friendly bit of hassle over MJ, since it’s clear to him that there’s feelings between them. Oh, but first Frank shoots at them for showing up unannounced. If only that was legal in my part of the Multiverse. MJ finally finds this note that Spidey has been carrying around since the “Forget Me “ spell was cast that explains everything. She isn’t overjoyed to learn that her memories have been tampered with, but she quickly forgives Spidey as he runs out to find Jean.

Spidey swings in to reason with the mutant at Damage Control but his Peter-Tingle goes crazy because the Punisher just went ballistic on Jean Grey…with a sniper rifle! Never fear! Spider-Man is here! He jumps in front of the mutant telepath whose range is seemingly rather limited at this early stage of the MCU career–remember, this is not the Famke Janssen Dark Phoenix version from the original X-Men movies or the Sophie Turner version from the “First Class” semi-reboot, thus she doesn’t sense the Punisher's presence or intention. Spidey takes one for the team, such a friendly neighborhood thing to do! Now in his heroic debt, Jean releases her hold on everyone she had taken possession of and sneaks out of town. The Punisher, awashed in guilt and anguish over accidentally shooting his “pal/pain in the ass” Peter, carries him to the nearest hospital and sits at his side after Parker comes out of emergency surgery. Peter wakes up and thanks him for saving him, and the Punisher is all “Hey, fahgetaboutit! New York, amirite?” He motions out the window and Peter sees a small army of his NYC fanbase holding a vigil outside of the hospital and he really doesn’t want to have to deal with his celebrity status right now. Not to worry–the Punisher has a plan! Parker walks right out the front door of the hospital and  a few people near the front of the crowd shrug and say, “Nah, that ain’t him. Hey, did youse watch the Yankees game last night?” Then somebody points a few floors up and says, “Look! It’s Spider-Man!” It’s actually the Punisher wearing Spidey’s mask. That’s the oldest trick in the book –  New Yorkers are such total rubes! And so are the cops who had to have seen the Punisher snoozing at Peter’s bedside, who is no doubt a wanted man and who would be an extremely obvious suspect as to who shot a sniper round into Spider-Man. I guess there were fresh donuts.

Finally, Peter enters his favorite little bodega where he buys cut flowers for Aunt May’s (the ever lovely Marisa Tomei, in flashbacks) gravesite, and spots his old best friend Ned sitting alone. He goes over and introduces himself, having met him previously at the tragic house party while giving Ned a false name–Maynard of all things–and again as Spider-Man, but never as Peter Parker. This time he does, and at the same time he performs the elaborate handshake the two besties have shared with one another since the Spider-Man solo film franchise started. As they complete the handshake, Ned realizes he’s looking at his best friend again–he remembers!

And that’s when I whispered to myself, “What the %$#&?!?”

How dare they not bring back Benedict Cumberbatch as Doctor Strange for even just one cameo. Parker could have shown up at the Sanctum Sanctorum and pleaded with Strange to reverse the spell…no, that’s impossible. Doctor Strange took off to the Dark Dimension, assisting the daughter of the dread Dormammu, Clea (Charlize Theron) during the end credits scene from Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness and which we may never see get fleshed out or explained as Doctor Strange 3 isn’t even in pre-production yet. It’s not a priority like avoiding characters of color and ramrodding (get it?) the mutants down our throats for the next decade as making money takes precedence over making good films with a tightly interconnected plot like Marvel once did. But to break the spell of the former Sorcerer Supreme and Master of the Mystic Arts with a “bruh handshake?” I say thee nay! Marvel needs to respect their own rules regarding magic better! No Cumberbatch for us, and not even a Benedict “Wong” Wong cameo where he would tell Parker, “Neither Stephen nor I could, would, or should break the spell just because you’re lonely. You got exactly what you wanted. Such is the price of altering the universe with magic. Now if you don’t mind, I have to go help the Abomination get ready for his UFC fight against Ben Grimm. Have a good day, Spidey!”

I wanted to love this movie. I went in with the expectation that I would be well entertained. But instead I was continually drawn away from the narrative by plotholes big enough for Galactus to walk through. No Doctor Strange, no J. Jonah Jameson, no big villain at all. Scorpion is a side character from three Spider-Man films ago, who was on the ferry where Spidey got in over his head fighting Vulture – Scorpion was the buyer for Vulture’s stolen tech – and the mid-credits scene, but there’s no real history between him and Spider-Man in the MCU. No true detective work around the V-Max clue that someone else figures out is a freakin’ HVAC unit. That might be the dumbest thing I’ve seen in any movie, ever, and I watched “First Cow.” As introductions for Marvel’s mutants into the MCU go, having Jean Grey as a murderous, vengeful twenty-something seemed like a wild departure for character, and her actions seem to put human-mutant relations behind the eight ball before we really even see any other mutants outside of the Grey sisters. And I’m sorry but I’m but I am not at all excited by Sadie Sink in the role of Jean. The undoing of Strange’s magic by a handshake was just too much.

I get that this is a minority opinion. Everywhere I look I see rave reviews for this movie, but to me it’s too much or everything it shouldn’t be and not enough of what it should have been. Oh well, back to retirement. Excelsior!