The Kaiju Who Meh'd Me: Godzilla vs Kong Comes to Blu-ray

GODZILLA VS. KONG is the fight we've all been dying to see, wrapped up in one hot mess of a plot salad. Yes, I've heard several fans say they didn't care about the plot, they just wanted to see the giant monkey fight the giant lizard. And that's fine. Unfortunately, in regards to the whys and wherefores of giving this gargantuan slobberknocker a reason to happen, an attempt was made, and so we have to consider it as well. So let's try to parse it out as best we can.

In the years since the discover of King Kong on Skull Island, an observation dome has been built around Kong's habitat. Kong now lives in The Truman Show, but demonstrates he is fully aware of the illusion of nature projected around him. His only calming influence is a little deaf girl, Jia (Kaylee Hottle), who communicates with him through sign language -- and Kong communicates back. When Evil Incorporated discovers a new energy source in the Hollow Earth, they decide to use Kong to lead them to it, based on the assumptions of the Hollow Earth being Kong's ancestral home, genetic memory, and the fact that the tunnel straight through the Earth requires a navigator to an energy source their equipment has already detected.

Things get complicated when Godzilla launches an attack in the U.S. Madison, aka The Girl Who Loved Godzilla, believes there has to be a reason behind the attack after the giant lizard remained dormant for so long. This force of nature had to have been provoked somehow. And, indeed, he was -- he can sense that the evil corporation is developing a way to attack him. Never mind what they say about the id level of the lizard brain -- Godzilla's brain is both smart and psychic.

Viewers get more than one battle between the two titans. In between attacks, Godzilla senses Kong as a rival apex predator, and seeks him out while he's chained to a barge and being crated across the ocean. The round goes to Godzilla when Kong is knocked out. Later, when Kong assumes his throne in the Hollow Earth and finds his great great grandpappy's axe made from a log and a Godzilla back-fin, Big Green strikes again, this time blasting a radioactive tunnel straight down from the surface. Armed with something that can actually penetrate Godzilla, Kong not only goes down but nearly dies.

But there's a bigger threat looming: Mecha-Godzilla, a giant robot powered by the neural network of the skull of Monster Zero, defeated in GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS. A three-way battle commences, alliances are forged, respectful co-existence acknowledged, roll credits.

This is more than the collision of two movie monsters: it's the collision of two monstrous movies, as the plots of each are mashed awkwardly into each other. We hop from one disparate plot thread to the other, follwoing Alexander Skarsgard and his crew to the center of the Earth, while Madison's team of a frightened British teen (Julian Dennison) and a podcasting conspiracy nut (Brian Tyree Henry) go undercover inside the company building Mecha-Godzilla. If ever a Blu-ray was made where the scene-jumping options of the menu were meant, this one is it. The fights truly are spectacular. It's just too bad they tried to tie it up with mismatched laces.